Business Coach | Don’t Be a Jackass

Business Coach 334

This business coach episode explains one simple truth: Don’t be a jackass.

Business Coach Advice to My Younger Self:

Dear 14-Year-Old Clay,

I’m excited about your success. I’m glad to hear that your t-shirt business is going well and that you are starting to make a few hundred dollars per week. I’m also excited that Principal Johnson graciously decided not to expel you from the Dassel-Cokato Middle School dance – at which you were hired to perform – for inciting the literal riot that ensued. However, we need to talk. Recently, you’ve decided to start dressing like Eminem and you’ve been investing copious amounts of time into the memorization and deciphering of rap lyrics. Although this may be a good idea if you are going to pursue a rap career, we both know that’s not where you’re headed. Vast accumulations of hip hop knowledge will not help you with business coach nor will it help you achieve the success you seek. Furthermore, your Timberland boots, super baggy jeans, double hoop earrings, and massive investment in silver jewelry are beginning to repel real opportunities and women of virtue. I realize that you love to say, “Only God can judge me,” however, that is simply not true. Business coach tip: People are currently judging you based on what you look like, what skills you have, whom you associate with, how you talk, and the overall image you choose to project. Currently, you look like a hooligan or the friendliest member of a gang. You are not working to meet the right people. You actually choose to hang out with idiots who sell marijuana and are plotting ways to have sex with the head football coach’s daughter. You have minimal skills, you talk like you are working as a full-time English-to-hip-hop interpreter, and you scare old people with your intense facial expression. I know that you do not currently make a practice of reading anything other than rap lyrics, The Sourcemagazine, and SLAM magazine, but please invest the five minutes it takes to read the statistics below and see if you can draw any conclusions about what these numbers mean. An author from the future named Tom Corley has compiled these statistics. You’ll be able to find these numbers about ten years from now on Calm down… In the future, the speed of your Internet connection will be 1,000 times faster.

•88% of wealthy read 30 minutes or more each day for education or career reasons vs. 2% of poor (The three hours per day you currently spend deciphering and memorizing rap lyrics does not count as reading for education or career reasons. And no, the senior paper that you are writing about the life and times of Tupac does not count, either.)

•6% of wealthy say what’s on their mind vs. 69% of poor (Talking trash to gang members at the gas station in Minneapolis was not a good idea and could have resulted in your death. Although you might have seen the humor in cursing out the Littlefield Dragons’ mascot during your basketball game the other night, no one else did.)

•86% of wealthy believe in lifelong educational self-improvement vs. 5% of poor (I realize that because of your maniacal obsession with watching TV, playing video games, and decoding rap lyrics, you think you are too busy to read about business coach and successful people. It’s OK, my friend. You are just suffering from a mental disorder called “jackassery.”)

• 63% of wealthy listen to audio books during their commute to work vs. 5% of poor people (Although both Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac have been quoted in The Source magazine as saying that they just want to tell the truth and the stories of their lives through the rap lyrics they write, rap music cannot actually be classified as audio books.)

• 84% of wealthy believe good habits create opportunity vs. 4% of poor (I realize that you currently see no relationship between the way you dress and the way people treat and perceive you. I realize that in your mind, it’s completely rational to sleep in every Saturday until noon. However, these habits are keeping you from the achievement of your goals and pulling you deeper into the practice of jackassery, where every committed member of the club makes at least 50% less than non-practicioners.)

• 67% of wealthy watch one hour or less of TV every day vs. 23% of poor (I realize that you have not been instructed in the Law of Cause and Effect. I understand that because of your teacher’s insistence on teaching you about chlorophyll, papyrus, the Mesopotamian River Valley, and other subjects that you feel are a complete waste of time, you now associate learning with wasting time and turn to MTV as refuge after a long day spent memorizing stuff that doesn’t matter. However, you need to turn off the TV, if that is even physically possible after you just consumed six Mountain Dews in one sitting.)

• 81% of wealthy maintain a to-do list vs.19% of poor (I know that time management, business coach, and organization skills are not taught by your teachers at all, but listen to me, man. In the future, your ability to actually get things done and keep your life organized using this thing called a “to-do list” are the only things that matter in the workplace.)

• 67% of wealthy write down their goals vs.17% of poor (I think it may be a little scary to actually see on paper your current life goals, due to the fact that rap music is probably your only inspiration at this time. However, in the future, you will become friends with millionaires as part of your business coach as well as your job as the Chief Operating Officer at, and guess what…every millionaire you will meet maintains a “to-do” list, while the rest of the population does not. Do you see any patterns forming here? Please take hold of this business coach fact: only those who have real goals for self-development can advance.)

•79% of wealthy network five hours or more each month vs.16% of poor (Ok, I can’t write this next part to you unless you 100% believe that I am, in fact, your future self and I’m just trying to help you. Look, your favorite baseball player’s middle name is Nuschler. It’s William Nuschler Clark. Who else would know that? Now, if you believe me, listen up because here comes another profound business coach word of advice: Who you know and people’s impression of you will determine how much money you make. I repeat, WHO YOU KNOW AND PEOPLE’S IMPRESSION OF YOU WILL DETERMINE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE. You currently dress like a jackass and only know jackasses. Change this immediately and your life will begin improving dramatically.)

•76% of wealthy believe bad habits create detrimental luck vs. 9% of poor (Ok, let me ask you this question and be honest with your answer: If you took the time to study successful people and began to do what they do on a daily basis, would you become more successful or less successful? I’m just asking.)

Clay, hang in there. Life is tough, challenging and dramatic when you dress like an idiot, listen to music written by idiots, hang around idiots, and don’t invest the 30 minutes needed every day to study and learn how to improve your skills. However, I have some good news for you. In the future, this will all change almost overnight once you begin dressing for success, listening to inspiring music instead of hate-filled lyrics, hanging around quality people, and investing the time needed to study and learn success.

Sincerely, You in 15 Years,

Clay Clark

P.S. According to a Nielsen TV study, the average American of the future is currently watching nearly five hours of TV per day, so don’t beat yourself up too much. You aren’t the only human practicing the dark art of jackassery.

P.S. (again) – Your wife of the future is attractive and your five kids are incredible little humans.

January 19th, 2018


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