Tending to Your Relationship Garden – How to Address and Resolve Conflict

Show Notes

Are you struggling with a relationship? Are you struggling to create and cultivate a thriving relationship with your spouse? Vanessa Clark (Clay Clark’s wife) breaks down her rules for creating a healthy marital relationship.

  • Clarify What the Issue Is – Within Yourself.
  • Is This a Crucial Issue to You? Not every issue needs to be addressed. Choose your battles wisely
  • You MUST Address Issue (if it is crucial or there will be no change).
    1. Some people get afraid to address – this hurts relationship – there will be no growth or true peace.
    2. NOTABLE QUOTABLE – “When you do only easy things, life gets harder. When you do hard things, life gets easier. Make sure you are doing hard things every week.” – Lee Cockerell (Former Executive Vice President of Walt Disney World Resorts who once managed 40,000 + employees)
  1. Blessed Are the PeaceMAKERS (not the PeaceKEEPERS)
    1. Peace comes through the sword. Ignoring an issue brings no peace and will drive division – Fake, not real relationship.
    2. NOTABLE QUOTABLE – “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” – Matthew 10:34
    3. NOTABLE QUOTABLE – “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” – Matthew 5:9
  2. Must Be Real to Have Intimacy.
  3. When Addressing Issue
  1. Determine time
  2. Determine place
  3. Get into the right state of mind to address with sweetness and kindness
    1. Make sure issue is heard with clarity
  4. You may have to agree to disagree about the issue but still must reach a mutually agreeable resolution. Out of Grace – meet the others persons need as you can
  1. Is it a scheduling problem?
  2. Goal/vision?
  3. Employee/person?
  4. Personal preference?
  5. Get on the same page with a resolution – ACT immediately.
  6. Honor the relationship and it will honor you.
  7. According to the American Psychological Association
  1. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher?
  2. Will your marriage just survive? Or will you make it THRIVE?
  3. Propose solutions
  4. NOTABLE QUOTABLE – “Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate, and doubt, to offer a solution everybody can understand.” – Colin Powell (an American statesman and a retired four-star general in the United States Army. Powell was born in Harlem as the son of Jamaican immigrants. During his military career, Powell also served as National Security Advisor (1987–1989), as Commander of the U.S. Army Forces Command (1989) and as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (1989–1993), holding the latter position during the Persian Gulf War. Powell was the first, and so far the only, African American to serve on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.)
  5. Refocus on the Goal
  6. The goal is the family,
  7. business is a vehicle.
  8. Work TOGETHER to come to a resolution
  9. Your Relationship is a Garden
  1. Tend to it daily
    1. NOTABLE QUOTABLE – “We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” – John Lennon (An English singer, songwriter, and peace activist who co-founded the Beatles, the most commercially successful band in the history of popular music. He and fellow member Paul McCartney formed a much-celebrated songwriting partnership. Along with George Harrison and Ringo Starr, the group would ascend to worldwide fame during the 1960s.)
  1. Cultivate a Home of Peace. Create a Joyous Atmosphere.
    1. Identify weeds
    2. Pull the weeds.
    3. Choose what kind of flowers you would like (what do you all want your life to look like? What is in it? What is not?
    4. Plant them
    5. Create the life you and your spouse desire.
      1. Schedule
      2. Goals
      3. Where you live
      4. How you all spend your time
  1. Make an Effort to Let Your Spouse Know They Are Your #1 Priority Before Kids. Before Work.

Step 1 – Define Your F6 Goals

Step 2 – Agree on Your F6 Goals as a Family

Step 3 – The Business Should Be a Vehicle to Help Your Family Get to Your Goals

  1. Statistically Half of Marriages Will End in Divorce.
  • By default, if you are not doing something to proactively make sure yours will not, I believe it will.
  1. FACT – “Marriage and divorce are both common experiences. In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” –  Are You Among the Growing Number of Unhappy Married People?- American Psychological Association – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201709/are-you-among-the-growing-number-unhappy-married-people
  2. The Marriages That Survive Are the Ones That Are Prioritized.
  3. FACT – “Why are people unhappy in marriage? In these studies and polls, the usual reasons are cited as the culprits. These include— but are not limited to: lack of communication, lack of common interests, no sex, feeling bored, etc. People don’t know what they’re getting into, marriage isn’t natural, and people fill in the blanks with what they want marriage to be.” –  Are You Among the Growing Number of Unhappy Married People?- American Psychological Association – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201709/are-you-among-the-growing-number-unhappy-married-people
  4. Don’t Just Survive Your Marriage, THRIVE In It
  1. FACT – “17 percent of couples are content in their partner…” – Are You Among the Growing Number of Unhappy Married People? – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201709/are-you-among-the-growing-number-unhappy-married-people
  2. FACT – “A study was done by the National Opinion Research Center in 2014 revealed that the trend is getting worse, not better(link is external). People are becoming less and less happy in their marriages as time goes on.” – Are You Among the Growing Number of Unhappy Married People? – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201709/are-you-among-the-growing-number-unhappy-married-people
Business Coach | Ask Clay & Z Anything

Audio Transcription

All right. Thrive business workshops nation. Welcome back to the thrive time show on your business workshops radio. It is our in endless mission to help you get into a great position in the game of life. Now wife, it can be broken up into six categories. We call it the F six. We talk about all the time. You want to have success in the areas of faith, family, finances, fitness, friendship and fun. You want to have success. I repeat in the areas of faith, family, finances, fitness, friendship and fun. And so once a week we bring on my incredible wife of 17 years where she comes on the show and she basically comes down from Mount Awesome and she teaches men bear pigs like me. Uh, what I could do better because I mean this, we’ve been married 17 years and my wife really is a, I believe the best wife in the world for me.

I know I could not be married to anybody else. Alright? Furthermore, no that I couldn’t be married to her unless she laid down the law unless she occasionally said, what is happening here right now is a direct violation of Vanessa code three point seven three. And I’m like, I don’t know what the code is. And so I, I over time, uh, probably like the first two weeks we were married. Um, I, I went, I said, Vanessa, I’ll be home at like 3:00. This is on a Saturday. I said, I’ll be, I’m sorry. I remember this very, very specifically. I said, I’ll be home at like 10:00 is on a Saturday morning and we’d been married like two weeks. So I go to some business workshops and then all American fitness and uh, there’s a guy who’s a doctor, he’s a chiropractor and his guys jacked his bodies covered with tattoos and I was getting in great shape physically and he’s jacked and I’m just doing one more set.

One more set, another set. We’re going back and forth, Bro. Can you spot me bro? Bro could spot me Bro. Going back and forth and I’m just getting jacked. The vascularity, the strike, the fitness, the protein. How much can you bench, Bro? The conversation could not end. It was a very, uh, heterosexual trending, homosexual conversation because I was like, dude, how much can you bench? How much can you bench, Bro? He’s a doctor. I’m not. He’s got tattoos. He’s jacked. I’m Jack. We’re having a conversation. We’re connecting about again, how much can you bench? How much can you bench and how much can you bench? It’s getting teeth, protein bars, how much can you bench? So I came home, I said, I said, I’ll be home at like 11. We’re like 1:00. I come home and she’s like, we’re, have, I’m, I’ve been at all American Jan. That really got me. Was The one that you came home at like 11 at night or something? He’d been dj something. I didn’t know that. I literally thought you were dead. I’m like crying time though. I’m not kidding. This is our first tWo weeks of marriage. I came home like an hour and a half late after working out and vanessa let me know. Not cool home skillet. Not cool. And so, um, over time it’s been 17 years. I’ve been learning these lessons. She’s really taught me how to address and resolve conflict, so today’s entire business workshops show is about tending to your relationship garden and whether you’re planting a garden or starting a relationship, we’re growing a business. Weeds are going to spring up on a weekly, if not daily basis, and would you want to do is pull the weeds and move on. You don’t want to make a big deal about it. You just spend your whole day lamenting about the weeds that pop up. You just pull out. A lot of top gardeners are. Are are out there. You don’t see a lot of top gardeners. Oh my god. It was a weird. Well, you should probably pull it and they just lament about it until the wheat overtakes the garden. No, they just pull the garden and tending to your relationship garden is what today’s entire show is about. So vanessa, your tip number one is you wrote here, clarify what the issue is within yourself. Not behalf of all the men out there who really don’t know what’s going on. What are you talking about?

Well, wait, when? When you have conflict. When you have something that needs to be resolved before you go and attempt to go resolve that sometimes there’s a, especially for women, while I’m sure men have it too, there can be a lot of different emotions going on and I’ve learned that I have got to quiet myself and actually think and comprehend the issue in with within myself that I am having. What am I actually upset about so that when you bring resolution, you can be done with this forever. So not, you know, I’m so mad that you know, you didn’t come home for an hour and a half. You sit. Do you think, you know, actually I am frustrated on a couple levels. I’ve been waiting here for the last two hours.

They think he would be home depot. The same respect that you’d have for a client. Can you, if you’re not going to be here, can you call? Because I’ve got tHings to do. So just you’ve got to think what is your frustration? Yes, you’re frustrated that person is late, but more than that you’re probably feel disrespected, but they didn’t have enough care to call and let you know like they would someone else and we breed dude centric group of guests today, so I’m going let. I’m going to let sean ask you the first question I’d like for matt to ask a question about this. Sean, are you somebody right now? Yes. Have you ever had an issue, maybe not in this relationship, but other relationships, if you really have you ever had an issue where there is an issue and you don’t even know what the business workshops issue is, but you just want the issue as a dude, you’re like, I don’t even know what the issue is right now. It’s a bad move to just jump into a conversation without thinking through very clearly from my point of view, what is the actual problem? Because it tends to get messy real fast. Robert, have you ever had an Issue because you’re, you’re, you’re a guy. You’re, you’re, you’re getting married here soon.

October 27. I’m sure he doesn’t need all. Involve your, your current fiance. Just other relationships in the past, hey, we ran a relationship or where you’ve ever had an issue where you don’t even know what they’re upset about, but they’re pretty upset and then you not even knowing what they’re upset about his created. When you say what are you upset about, It actually makes it worse because the issue is you don’t even know what they’re upset about. Uber should know. Have you ever seen that, robert? Oh yeah. Yeah. like trying to unlock a door in the dark. You’re just moving that key. Just where’s, where is it? You know what I mean? And now they’re mad that you don’t know exactly what.

I would argue that 95 percent of the time that my wife gets upset about something, I don’t even know that she’s upset until here it comes. So thIs is the teaching point for the men out there being aware. I feel like the last two years of our marriage I’ve done a better job of this. Fantastic. But if like I’m aware I’m going, dude, I know there’s no way that I would get upset about any of the things that just happened, but as a woman, how, why would she get upset? And so let’s, let’s process. This is one business workshops example and vanessa can educate you and vanessa, you, you can, you can share totally candidly what happened here, but I have no idea what you’re going to say by the way, but go for it. But I’m saying as like a dude, if robert and I are friends and he does not introduce me to his friend, I wouldn’t care a b, I wouldn’t even notice that he didn’t introduce me because I would be too busy looking for me.

So talk to me about females in general because I’ve noticed that the females in general, not just you, but all, all women want to be properly introduced. It’s a different dynamic with us too because we work together and those people automatically assume like, oh, it’s clay’s business and they’ll treat me accordingly. And so, ah. Oh waIt, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Let me find the right sound. Good. Probably that, that I. Hey, liberal. Okay. Let me find the right sound effect. You just said. Can you repeat what you just said? Most people, they come into the business that, let’s say they are an intern or a new hire and they get introduced to clay immediately and they know him as the owner and you will see through body language, through everything. They’re like, I just say, hey, can you just introduce

if I’m sitting there and I’m not introducing hey, before you’re being honest and truthful, and they think that I am, they will was treat me and it’s very interesting. So I’m like, oh, That actually is not going to work. Very nice for you though. It’s actually helpful to them if they know who they’re dealing with before they deal with some girl who’s sitting at the bar, the bar or they make an a comment that is not the wisest thing to say. Oh yeah, that’s actually helpful to them as well. If you just, you know.

So recently I’ve been saying to people, this is what I do in my wife. When I introduced my wife, this is what I do in my mind. I keep this.

Yes, this is my wife. She’s incredible. For 17 consecutive years he gets screwed up for 17 it to you have you week after week, year after year. she stayed married to me. I just want you to know she is, but I, I literally have to say I have to be. I got out of my way because I’m just trying to explain to the listeners. They get this business workshops dynamic. If my wife owned all the businesses by herself, I am naturally an antisocial human and I don’t want to be introduced. So if we go out to church or we go to a movie, I hate when people introduce me to people. I can’t stop. You’re like, hey, hey, real quick. This is my friend clay. I’m like, ah. So I, I a lot of weird stuff like I go to the bathroom like four or five times in a row to avoid. I don’t want to be introduced. Bob is saying I don’t want to meet people straight up. Just saying that we’ve had some prime examples of being there in a company that we own together. Someone comes in to work for us and they are, you know, following him around, shadowing, doing whatever, and I’m just saying it’s a weird dynamic. Then in later it’s like, who are you? I work here. You’re like, so anyways, it just clears everything out from the beginning and it also lets them know to have respect for me because if they feel not that my, that I was disrespected in fall.

All in line now. Now, now this is the deal. This is point number two. Vanessa wrote down here, you want to ask yourself, is this issue critical? Is, is this a crucial issue to you? Because not every issue needs to be addressed.

This is so true. So once you’ve clarified what the issue is, wait a minute. All the ladies out there, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, all the single ladies, all the married ladies make some noise. Nice. Okay. So all the single ladies, all the married late is so much to write this down.

Oh, business workshops issues need to be addressed. That’s right. Because I eat too fast to be online, who cares because I driVe like a maniac. Who cares because I overall act like I’m a frat boy who cares. Certain things don’t need to be addressed, but certain things do have certain issues where you overtime we’ve married 17 years and you’re like, I used to never address the man wants to wear a jersey all the time and doesn’t want to dress up for anything. Maybe that isN’t a huge issue. But are there other areas that are Certain issues from big issues? You know? So in the beginning I didn’t address anything because, you know, a threat, you take the dr laura advice to the extreme and dr laura advice you took to the extreme. Well, she thinks that all the power in a relationship comes back to the woman and that, um, you can basically make your husband happy by giving him affirmation, giving him affection and giving him, I forget what the other aes is, the three a’s and amazing. But at the same time, I thiNk our personalities Clicked the very dominant personality. And if I don’t at some point say, hey, I’m not okay with this or this for me, I mean I will be like a railroad just ran over, you know what I’m saying?

And so you’ve got to determine what the issue is. And once you know in yourself, think, does this need to be addressed? Is this something that actually is going to, is this hurting the quality of your life? Is this going to affect your kids lives? Is this going to affect the foundation of your family? Because like you said, if it’s like, hey, you know, I don’t think that you’re, the way you’re eating is that awesome, let it go. But if it’s, hey, you know what, we have these employees coming in and they’ve never introduced to me and now they’re like kind of treating me like, who are, you know, this, this. Can you just introduce me every time? You know what thing is a huge issue is if you don’t have clean bathrooms. And so if you’re out there, you’re saying why bathroom is not a porcelain palace.

Oh no, my bathroom is super dirty. Like the shady parts of dallas, it is not a porcelain palace. It’s more of like the shady parts of dallas. If your bathroom feels like a third world country and you want to clean it up, visit the classic clean.com. It’s the classic clean.com. That is a janitorial service of choice for dr robert zoellner for dupont, for google, for neustar, and the thrive time show. If you want to make your urinals so clean that you could literally use them as a, as a drinking fountain in your time of need. VIsit the classic clean.com today, the classic clean.com today. Stay tuned. Get ready to enter the thrive time. Show the bottom started from the bottom

Here we go. Back to the business workshops conversation today talking about the awkward subject called tending to your relationship garden.

Uh, as, as men, as boys, as toots, typically what we do is we chase women around. We chased, which is girls around the playground. Oh yes we do. We remember, remember, remember recess. You’re chasing kids around. You’re chasing girls around. You’re chasing amanda. I mean, I, I’m 37 years. everyone knew the name was amanda or ashley. Every. Every girl’s name was katy. Amanda or ashley. There was no other name. so is this as a whole city of the hundreds of thousands of people, millions of people named katy. Amanda or aShley and all the guy’s name was john. Mike, you know that. These are the names we had. We had john are, we had mike or chris. Everyone was chris. John or mike and all the girls were amanda. Ashley. You’re chasing them around and you’re not sure what to katie. And you catch a katie.

You catch, you catch them and the girls aren’t chasing you by the way. Why? Because men are, are, are physically repulsive, but women are attractive. Sort chased them around. Right? I’m going to catch you out. And we catch them and then we, after we catch them were like, I don’t know what to do. Frick are we going to do now I’d spend my whole day chase them. I spent months strategizing how to catch them. What do I do now? We don’t know. so now we’re like in middle school or high school and we’re like, hey dude, at this party as we can, we’re going to play spin the bottle. So they spin the bottle and it ends and you’re like, oh no, I’m going to kiss Amanda Ashley or katie and others like 25 women. But they all have the same name. They’ll say you need a kiss him. And then next thing you know you’re engaged and you’re married. And now you’re like, frack. What do I do? I’ve caught the girl. What do I do? Because you don’t know what to do because there’s a man you know. It’s all about the action of pursuing, but you don’t know why you’re pursuing. So now let’s hypothetically, let’s, let’s, let’s, let’s, let’s propose this idea and it hypothetical. Theoretical universe. You are out there and you have caught your dream woman.

Oh yes. And you invited your friends and family to the busienss workshops or wedding and you had this ridiculous amount of money that was spent on having calligraphy. You each wedding invitation was written with calligraphy. There’s no calligraphers left, and so you had to find some artists to write the for about $2 a piece. They mailed them out to hundreds of people and you ask them, do you want chicken or beef? And they showed up at some ridiculous hotel at some ridiculous place like the flower gardens or garden. You’d never been to a gardener at garden again, but you had your wedding at the garden center because that’s how you enter into the sanctimonious of marriage. You have your first dance. She danced with her dad. Cut the cake. Your best man was probably drunk, but he gave a toast. The maid of honor actually wrote something down and gave something that sounded like you no longer see the maid of honor.

You haven’t seen the best man and close it close to a decade. In fact, all of the people in your wedding party, you don’t know them anymore and all the people who attended your wedding, you haven’t talked to them for years and if they do call you, you think I should probably pop myself a beer before I answered this phone call because my aunt, nancy or karen, everyone’s, everyone’s auntie. Everyone’s fear out there and you have an answer. Her name is karen or laura or nancy or mary because if some of the names we had back from the moon has four or five names to choose from. Your uncle, your uncle bill, your uncle tom, they’re gonna call you and you’re going just kinda have a beer. You know? Got to have fear. So now you’re in your middle thirties are 30 something and you’re thinking to yourself, frank married, I’m pissed.

I’m pissed all the time. I come back from work. I get into my work truck or rubber rubber. I get into my driveway and I think to myself, I am pissed, but you don’t say anything because you don’t want to deal with tending to race relationship garden. you just want to go to the gas station, so you say, I’ve got to get some breath so they get some meat. I got to go to albertsons, I got to go to research. I gotta go. I gotta go. No matter what you do, you’ve got to go because you never want to be home.

Now you discovered the thrive time show and you’ve thought for the first time it probably 15 years. Why in the freak are we married? We’re married, but why? I’ve caught the girl, but why? And she’s thinking to herself. So she’s on facebook posting a picture of a cloud with the feeling. She writes the statement like, do you ever feel low? And her, her, her good friend, amanda, katie or ashley will tag it like it. Comment on it. You’re not alone, girl. And so you’ve joined the be amazing movement to move beyond. The fact that you are absolutely stuck right now in a relationship is not going anywhere because you don’t know how to attend to your relationship garden, which is why I invited my incredible wife of 17 years onto the show because I honestly feel like I feel like we’re dating and it’s been 17 years.

I still feel like we’re dating. And so most people, most people don’t get that. So vanessa talked to me about the importance. Talk to us about the importance of tending to your relationship garden. what does that mean? Well, you know, right now we had just talked about, um, addressing issues because issues are going to come up and you’re going to need to address the big ones. um, so when you have an issue, you’ve got to clarify what it is first. You’ve got to be able to fully understand it before he can go to someone with a solution or trying to find a resolution. Once you understand What it is you’ve got to think, do I need to address this issue? Is it really that big? Is this something that every day it’s like you can feel it in your still hurting your heart. He likes to brush his teeth in the shower. Is that a thing we need to address? No. Okay. So anyways, this was really helpful to me. I’m blessed are the peacemakers. I, I was not someone early on who adware or are you getting that verse from? By the way?

What? What, what, what does that verse is? Matthew five, nine. Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of god and let me tell you my whole life I’ve been described as a peace keeper and that had always bothered me, but I definitely was a peace keeper until about the last five years. So I was a peace keeper. I’m go, I, I, I did not like people fighting. So you know, when I grew up people fought a lot and I, I just, I hated people fighting and whatever I could do in my power to keep someone from fighting to make everyone get along. That’s what I.

This is what actually is audio of, of what vanessa used to say in her mind. Whenever there was a conflict going on, this is audio of what we put a mic in her brain before the past five years and this is what she would typically say to herself. A lot of pressure. You got to rise above it. Got a harness and the good energy, warren, the harness energy block. Bad. Feel the flow. Happy. Feel it. It’s circular. It’s like a carousel. You pay the quarter, you get on. Oh no, but that’s what I mean. I’d say in the past five years, that’s what you did.

Yeah, so I need to tell us what happened. I ended up happening is I think that everyone around me had a lot of peace, like clay had a lot of peace. Like other than like maybe him coming home late. I mean people will like how, how were you living? You have no furniture in your house. You guys like are keeping the craziest hours, but it’s okay. It’s okay. We can do it. And at certain point I had the revelation that blessed are the peace makers and never said the peace keepers. And I just started looking at. I thought, wait, it’s not even, I’m not even blessed if you want to make peace in your office and you’re tired of wasting your time looking for printer supplies and office supplies. You want to save money on both your office supplies and printer supplies. Go to onyx imaging. Make peace in your personal calendar. Go to onyx imaging.com. It’s onyx imaging.com. Don’t waste time at work. Go to onyx imaging.com to save money on your office and printer supplies. StaY tuned.

 

Then it is the thrive time show on your business workshops radio, your daily audio dojo of mojo where we break down what you need to know to make mo, mo time freedom, more financial freedom, more peace at home. And so once a week I invite my incredible wife of 17 years onto the podcast to educate us about how to live a more peaceful and happy life. And so today on the show we’re talking about is we’re talking about this, this, this, this kind of offensive idea of tending to your relationship garden, how to address and resolve conflict. And vanessa, we have sean, one of the business coaches and robert, one of the business coaches. They had some questions for you about your first three principles you’ve taught so far on the podcast. Sean, I’m going to start with you, my friend shawn. What is your tough question for my incredible wife of 17 years about clarifying whatever the issue is before you want to like approach and no business workshops conversation about it. And um, you have to determine if the issue is really crucial to you. Now I know you and clay are, are very intentional about your core values as a family and I know in business when we talk about them all the time, core values are very important as well for keeping your employees in line. So how do your core values play into this decision making process on an individual level? I’d like to get both your takes on this vanessa for 5,000 points. Your first. Well, I mean I think you talked about our core values and you know, when clay and I first got married, um, we actually didn’t believe the same like religion wise and so it’s interesting, but that was never something that we fought about ever or was it a discussion until our son was born blind. And so because my belief was if someone believes that they believe in their heart and you can’t argue to change that, like you either believe something or you don’t, but that change in belief would become some from. I was not a believer of the judeo christian worldview. I did not believe in christ previous to my son being blind in 2007.

And so we never argued about it though, even though those core values don’t line up. But what I can say at the time, I didn’t argue about as much but I should have is okay, this work schedule is not going to work because you’re not going to see the family or the kids. It worked while we didn’t have kids. We could just do it all together. But now what can we do to make this sustainable? That is something you need to address because it won’t change on its own. Did you see what I’m saying? The other is not changeable. So why fight about it? You chose this person, you chose them. What their beliefs. now you guys need to go and figure out your lives together. But it’s not something where he used to try to change what I believe or I tried to change what he believes we have full. We got married knowing we had these beliefs, so therefore we’re okay with it. You better be okay with it if that’s what you chose. No, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah, definitely.

For me, with first values, um, you know, I read napoleon hill and I love the principles he teaches, but all my heroes were divorced. I mean, so steve jobs was divorced. Um, you know, elon musk is divorced. Um, napoleon hill’s divorced. I mean, all my heroes that I read about jack divorced, bill bellacheck, divorced. I had never really spent time studying successful people. George lucas, star wars divorced. I had never spent time studYing people that were successful with their marriage and until value wise, I didn’t care at all about, um, I, I didn’t, I didn’t think about my values. And where was I going to focus? I’m more or less said I want to stay married to vanessa. I’ve always been committed to. I am not getting a divorce. She might want to divorce me, but hell or high water. I’m committed. I’m like a dog. I’m very loyal to whatever I sign up for and I’m like, I’m committed fiercely to staying married and I don’t understand what she’s talking about, but I’m not getting a divorce. And that was, I don’t, I didn’t have any deeper values and my mind to this day it’s the same and I’m just committed and my thought is all those people who he mentioned are highly successful in the business world and I know they could have had the same success at home. They’re driven people. If they would hAve the same focus they put on their business, it’s not one or the other. They could have had both. I truly believe that. And so I don’t know if it was, maybe they knew they have a revelation or something, but if they would have put the same but being locus on their marriage that they did their business they could have had.

Being a christian hasn’t changed my worldview and marriage at all. I don’t, I, I, I just, my whole thing is like, I committed to being mArried and I’m not going to stop at either. You get it. I mean, it’s kind of embarrassing. You get up there in front of your friends and family and they say, do you take this urban to be yours? You know, death and sickness. And You’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And then if you do that, I’m all about like, I’m going to do whatever I have to do to, to stay committed. What has changed since I became a christian was loving my wife the way that christ loved the church, which is something to talk about in corinthians, which I did not do previously. I was more of like a love the will your wife and the way that christ loved the bolding. Pete, you know the bowling guys, you bowl every week, you get together, you signed up for the free membership. I mean if you on the bowling team, your name is freaking embroidered on his shirt. You got a ball with it. There’s a role that rose embedded in the bowling ball. You got your own custom shoes and your own ball. Show up. Perry perry. Show up for the freaking business workshops team. Fricken a barry perry. Just as much freaking practice. Just it was my fault because I, I’m, I allowed that. So I set that expectation of like, vanessa doesn’t need anything. Like I don’t need anything.

My wife, the way that christ loves the bowling alley, you know, because larry is there berries there, we have our names embroidered on a shot with a commitment with sponsored by o’reilly’s. FOr reals. We got to show up right? Every thursday. I mean, now you, if you uber there because you’re a little bit doGs. okay, that’s fine. But you got to show up. I mean, you just, you know, and I never, I never, I love my wife the way christ loved the church until my son was born blind.

And then he became, I’d say you weren’t proactive about it. And then he became, but no, no, the wu meister now. He’s great. It’s great.

I’m just telling you, he’s pretty, he’s top of his game. I, I really feel like I delivered strong now. Robert, what question do you have your. You’re going to get married here soon. What question do you have? Oh yeah, for my incredible wife of 17 years and he quit. There’s no question’s out of bounds. So is a two parter. Oh wow.

To partner. Um, so I know we keep going back to this and I know you kind of addressed this by wanting to go deeper with, with, you know, how to realize whether or not an issue is crucial because I look back, we’ve been dating for two years, been engaged for about six months now and there’s been times where both of us have gotten into arguments over stuff that really doesn’t matter, you know? So I really want to avoid doing that. So my question on that is why I feel like if you get in an argument over something that doesn’t matter, I feel like that that’s not even what the argument’s about, right?

It’s more I want to be validated, respected, whatever.

Yeah. But I mean if it’s, if it bothers me the way he does something with his toothbrush, if I’m feeling loving towards him, I don’t even care. I’m just like, oh, whatever. Do you know what I’m saying? but if, if, if I’m feeling disrespected as a whole, I’m like, you can’t, you can’t even put that away. like you’d find a dig to give that person. So think about when you were just newly dated dating, you would never throw out a mean or sarcastic comment. Thrive nation. When we return, we’re getting deeper into the relation, relationship quagmire. How do you have a healthy relationship that’s sustainable and that is successful? Well, if you want to have relationship with the irs that’s sustainable and successful. I mean if you want to have a relationship where you’re paying the taxes you owe on time, I would recommend that I go to [inaudible] dot com. It’s hood cpas.com. They can help you with all your tax and financial planning. That’s hood cpas.com. Cpas.com. That’s [inaudible] dot com. Check them out online today.

So I’ll just dominate brik book. They can talk about me. I can take that. Nick that school boards to my business workshops mentor showed me back. I wasn’t young.

Oh, thrive nation. Have you ever dated somebody of the opposite sex actually dated somebody of the opposite sex? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you thought to yourself, I don’t understand why we’re arguing about this? I understand we’re arguing at all. In fact, I don’t understand why our relationship is getting weird. You’re in a relationship where it’s getting weird. Well, if you’ve ever, if you’ve ever had a relationship that’s getting weird with a significant other, that I would encourage you to take notes on today’s show because I’ve been married to my incredible wife for 17 consecutive years and I can honestly say I feel the same way about her now. As I did. We were first dating, which is weird and gross, but I chase her around every day and I have lust issues and basically, it shows a complete infatuation. I just absolutely obsessed with her and all the time I think to myself, so hot, oh billy, spend a lot of time making sure that you do this, that you that you reached. I really do feel the exact same way about you now because the actions that you take, you spend a lot of time going out of your way to make sure that, oh my gosh, come on. Talk to say, it’s because of the actions that you’ve decided to take and feelings will follow. So if you find yourself where you are in that spot, if you take loving actions towards someone and treat them nice and with kindness, they’re going to reciprocate and you, you, you, you spend a lot of time just like you do, being proactive on your business. You’re very proactive with our relationship and I appreciate that. So if you would take the feelings will follow. I need some freaking echo. Then you take the business workshops action, the feelings will follow. It is your duty to pursue the booty on the radio. I just said easter, teach all of our djs this like, it wasn’t like I just said how I feel, but actually said what I should not have a live radio show I should say. People want me to feel for robert field. Honestly, when you’re under the age of getting married, are you not infatuated? You chase her around and you want to tackle the to the ground. Is that not what you think about?

Okay.

So we’re talking about tending to relationship gardening, if you know what I mean. As a guy, as a guy, do we not say stuff like, if you and I were talking and we, you know, this is what would happen if, if robert and I were good friends and we’re talking and no women were present. This what happened, robert, go freaking a, you want to go over to wa savastano those I would say, yeah, let’s go to stop the styles will savastano and he would say, so, uh, how’s the, how’s the girl doin? I said, dog do she do on gut and then I’ll tell you, it’s awesome, you know, and then I would say, robert, you know, what you want to get for dinner. And I would say I would probably want to get two pizzas, you know, because I get. So I could eat pizza all night long. And then robert would say, that’s what she said, neVer ha. Because that’s all they do.

We never process relationship, right? I mean, right robert? yeah.

Um, and, and it comes, I think, I mean in, in relationships, at least a lot of times in my experience, I don’t always realize what I’m doing, what I’m doing wrong. And it’s like, uh, you know, I want there to be peace. I don’t like drama, you know? Uh, and, and my fiance, megan, she’s not real dramatic, but sometimes it seems like I can be so ignorant of caring for her things.

I mean, oh, mail real quick. All male commentary when guys are out just alpha males is what we do. We go out and no matter what comment is said, we’re going to think about what the, what the other person’s talking. We’re waiting to think of a. We’re waiting for an excuse to say that’s what she said.

Ha ha.

Waiting to say, hey, you know what? Your mom,

no, no.

Actually have a plan for their live. They process emotions. And so that’s where it gets weird because once we catch women, we find ourself being married for several days in a row.

I want to give robert some some advice. He’s about to get married and you’re going to be phenomenal. You’re going to do a great job. You and megan, it’s going to be awesome. You know, you’re a very diligent worker. I see you up at the business workshops  office. You, you get there early, you stay late if you need to, you’re focused on your clients, you’re focused on helping them get results and you’re successful at that. You do a very, very, very good job. Wow. You’re welcome. This same diligence and work ethic that you put into your clients. All megan wants to see. Just make sure that you do the same for her. you can do this and that’s all. That just sums everything up. So the same. You know, if you tell her, hey, I’m going to be there at six and you’re not going to be there at six, just like you would call client.

You call, hey, I’m sorry I got held up. I’ll be there at 6:30. I promise you she’ll be understanding, but guilt is starting to not call you and she wants to see that the same amount of time and attention that you’re spending on, you know, this next big deal. She’ll be rooting and cheering for you the whole way, but go ahead and make sure that you remember something that’s a big deal to her or send her a sweet text during the day and say, hey, I’m thinking about you and I’m excited about your product that you have at work. Back to. I really, really believe. Yeah.

Can I, can I ask a quick question? I ask all the questions you want because this is the relationship garden show. So something that I know and something that I see a lot is with more familiarity breeds disrespect. Oh, so, so the more time you spend with someone, the more you have to be that way though. Okay. And that’s my question is in so many relationships and something I am genuinely want to avoid is a, you know, as relationship goes on there’s more disrespect and that love fades.

So I think that every time that’s a disrespect occurs, it has to be addressed. Otherwise you’re saying you’re okay with it and you’re not. Right. Okay. And over time you’d say this, hey, this is going to be a problem for us because it will hurt the whole relationship. It will hurt both of you. So when it happens, you have to take a moment. You might have to think maybe come back to it later when you truly are able to address it and say, hey, when you said this to me like it hurt because it wasn’t a nice thing to say. So the man translation of that conversation would be when you said what you said, it reminded me of.

That’s what she says, because that’s what jesus. So, but let’s say you come back and say, hey, I just, you make it not about her. I’m concerned about our relationship because if we say those things to each other, we’re not going to want to be around each other. But just know that someone is saying that it stemmed from something bigger that’s hurting them. Right? And again, I come back to you. if someone knows that you are their number one thing before all the work that you’re passionate about and that you do so well, they will be there cheering you on the whole time, but take the time out to show them through actions because words are so cheap that they are going to do. You must be real to have intimacy. Vanessa, you talked about this. What are you talking about? This is Where I come back and this was my own fault and for a long time I didn’t address things right was at peace keeper instead of a peace maker, and if you’re a peace maker, which blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of god says matthew five.

Nine is you’ve got to bring a sword. You’re going to have to deal with something, but if you don’t deal with anything, your relationship will be built on it. There’ll be fake and so then you’ll start getting side comments and negative things and disrespect, and so I always tell clay like I have to address these things. Otherwise in my heart I will feel myself get mad at you. I think you’ve done a good job of learning when to address these. Yes. You can’t just spout off right now. I’m going to address it right this business workshops moment.

That is literally. I have written down here when to address. Oh, that was. That was. That was one of my questions.

Yes, you’re okay. So you know, we said when you determine you have an issue, you have to address it. If you’re truly going to have intimacy with your spouse or everything will be. It won’t be real.

So you need to find the right time and place in state of mind to address it in. You cannot address that when you’re hot like fire, you know, just ready to come at hot. You can’t call up in the middle of the workday and address it then either they’re not.

Can I have the time to give you and you’re gonna end up pissing them off. Right? Speaking of pissing people off, one thing that irritates people the most is having to We your back hurts, robbery prevented, or robert if you’re at your lower back or your upper back, upper back, you read your sacroiliac out of whack. Yeah, sec. Really thought to myself, my sacroiliac out whack. I don’t want to complain, but I have pain and areas I can’t describe. Well, if you’re out there and you say, I want to get my spine in line, how to become proactive about my spinal health tech out. Check out dr john [inaudible] dot com. Check out dr john sibley.com. This ban has been the chiropractor of choice for wayne gretzky, the nhl hall of fame hockey player. That’s dr john sibley.com. What was that? Dr john [inaudible] dot com. Stay tuned, so make it typical. Fitness is dominate because I’ve got bad neWs. They can talk about me. I can take that up. Here’s the truth. Either make that school boards to show the full stack. I wasn’t young.

All right. Thrive nation. Welcome back to the business workshops thrive time show on your radio. This just didn’t. Robert. I have a financial tip for all the listeners out there that will allow the listeners and any business owner out there, this tip alone will allow you to save at least 50 percent more money. Wow. this, this tip alone way to keep 50 percent more money. Actually, if you look at the average, okay, you keep 60 percent more money. This typical of this show today could allow all of our married listeners to say at least 60 percent more money. Robert, are you excited to know about what this dip is? that sounds great. Let’s stay married. Woo. Now, tip number two, this will allow you to have at least 90 percent more happiness. Ninety percent more

positive feelings. Does this allow you to happy to live the life the way marvin gaye saying song? The way Michael Jordan played music, play basketball the way robert redmond say the name robert redmond, because people like the name robert redmond. Redmond will say my own name. I liked my name because that’s my name, is the way that the sushi guy who hasn’t showed up sushi, sushi, which I find to be weird, and the stuffing, the way that mr miyagi talk about bonsai tree the way that bill kitten talk about nothing in circles over and over, making everyone happy. the way that trump talk about his internet sexiness is shawn, take your life to the next level.

You will. You want to do is you want to stay happily married. True. You don’t want to just stay married. Now, before my son was born blind, I had committed hell or high water dude, dude, dude, hell or high water. I’m staying married. Brow no matter what.

And I think from your perspective, everything was great and I think from my perspective, again, my fault, a lot of things were great. A lot of things were great, but the things that bothered me, I never brought up because I didn’t want to upset anyone. I didn’t even care whether we were happily married. I just cared that we were married because that’s what’s going to be. I’m going to stay married. Come on, merch and I brought the perspective of like if I get married, you know, I from the beginning I never wanted to get married and when I decided I was that if I will get married I will have the best freaking marriage or I won’t.

Nope. Vanessa pointed out to me. this was probably after my son was born blind in 2007 ish. Vanessa points out to me, listen, I don’t want to stay married unless we’re happily married and so I actually had a microphone. I was wearing like a robert. Apparently you had mike to me up without my knowledge. I was wearing a mic at the time. Yeah, I remember that and I, I don’t remember. Are you miking me or even knowing who you were, but I just remember that you recorded this without my knowledge is we have audio of, of my reaction to what my wife’s and my wife said I don’t want to stay married unless we’re happily married and I, I just have you happened to be there with a recording device and this is what I said in 2007.

Well, like I picked it wrong, we quit smoking, quit drinking, like I picked the wrong week, meet you. I just couldn’t handle the id.

Yup.

That she would actually not want to be married unless we were happy because I had just never seen a lot of happily married couples I ever saw a lot of couples that were happily married, never seen it. Really. A lot of clothes. And so vanessa, you’re talking about point five, you’re saying must be real to have intimacy, but then you also said you have to determine when to, uh, to address the issue. Now robert had a question before the break. He was wanting to know. Robert, can you restate your question about when to address issues? What, what were you, what were you contemplating as relates to addressIng issues and relationships? So I can, I can be a lot more solution focused and task oriented, right? So it’s more like,

hey, what am I doing wrong? Or hey, here’s what you need to do, or hey, what’s, what’s the issue? Let’s just get to the bottom line. And so part of the question is when to address, uh, but also how as a male I should communicate because again, like my fiance has told me, like, robert, you’re talking to me, you’re treating me like you’re one of, like, I’m one of your clients. I’m not one of your clients. I’m getting married to you

real quick. Whenever a man a here’s a woman, share her feelings about why she’s upset, valid or invalid. This is immediately what the male mind hears.

What you’re saying it weird saying what weird. All of it. Where do you get off? I just don’t get what you’re saying it that way. Why I’m saying what? What way? Forget it. I will. I will forget it

because we don’t understand what you’re talking about, right? Right. Do we not? right?

Well, the first thing is you’re saying when to address something and how to address something. You’re going to need to address it. Not in the middle of the workday. Now you’re needing to take time away where it’s just the two of you, not in the middle of a restaurant. Probably. You just have some time at your house together and say, hey, if you’re the one who has the issue, then you know what it is, and so you can bring up and say, hey, I’ve been thinking about this and why this bothered me with the other day was this or whatever to say, and whoever is bringing an issue up, the first thing that they want to do is they want to be heard to be validated, so they don’t want a solution right away. Yes, you’re going to get a solution, but first the other party needs to listen to what they say and say, okay, I hear that wasn’t my intention, but I could see how that made you feel that way. Like you got to see their point of view. If you were to argue and say, that’s what I meant, that’s not what I meant. You’re just too sensitive. You don’t understand. You’re never letting them say, all of these things are not examples of anything that I’ve ever seen.

You’re never you. You need to let them know that you understand you dIdn’t mean it, but I hear what you’re saying. I’m sorry, that was not my intention, and now once they feel heard and know that you hear, now you can have a resolution, you can never have a resolution without the other party being heard first.

No, no. We have a listener who was lIstening to our show about a year ago, robert, and they said to themselves, they said, you know, I’m not going to apply this advice. I’m not going to make my partner feel heard. I’m not gonna. Let her feel heard first. I’m just going to immediately proposed solutions like a good business coach. And he called in this morning, fabulous. He called it and unfortunately couldn’t get him on the show, but he called him this morning and he was sharing with our call screener, um, how his life has been going since he’s tried the method of don’t let your partner feel heard and then give them immediate solutions to their problems. And so this is what he had to say. It’s so amazing. We’re able to record the call. So here we go. The first off, I am 35 years old. I am do borst and I live in a van down by the river.

I don’t, I don’t think that’s, that’s, that’s a business workshops move. That’s how he started the call. I just want to let you go. So, uh, matt, you are a single man. You probably have some questions for the wizard of oz perpetual marriage, the wizard of harmonious relationships for my wife of 17 years. Mrs vanessa clark a. What question do you have for her? You are absolutely right. So I am not married, I don’t have any prospects. So the only real reference that I have for marriage are my parents and the folks that I go and I spend time with and a lot of times I see the wife or husband come and trying to bring up these issues and the other spouse just says, you’re right. You’re right. You’re right. And they dismissed the entire argument. Okay. Again, this is exactly what we just talked about. By the way, that’s my move and I want to share the listeners. That’s not a move, but that’s been my move. That’s a move. That’s my default. We’ve ever come back to mike. Yes,

yes, yes, yes. You don’t let the other person, if you don’t truly hear what they say, they’re going to pick up on it and they know and that’s why they don’t want you to spouting off a solution because they’re like, you don’t even understand or care, so it’s gonna. Keep happening. Even though you’re giving me the solution, your heart isn’t in it, so you might do the solution that works in your head, but the problem isn’t resolved. Does that make sense? So, but if you hear and then you say, okay, I understand and you’ve actually take the time to think about and understand, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I see that it did because of this. They would have never hurt me, but I understand that it hurt you because of this. I think the way we solve that problem, and it might be a different solution because you now you’re, you’re giving a heart solution, not just something in your head that works.

Now step number seven or or concept number seven that vanessa broke down here. It says, according to the american psychological association, 50 percent of marriages, 40 to 50 percent of marriages have couples end in divorce. the relatIonship ends and ends in a divorce, but according to psychology today, I’m less than 10 percent of the people that stay married or actually happy. So of course it is. Will your marriage survive or will it thrive? Vanessa,

it just comes back to the same point that you brought up. You knoW why be married? Unless you’re going to make it a happy marrIage. It’s in your control. A lot of people like to think, well, no, could my spouse won’t work with me. It only takes one person to change a marriage. Not, whoa, it takes one. So if you can be that catalyst and start it. I’m not saying it’s going to happen overnight, but people will react to those changes, but if you don’t change anything, everything will remain the same. And why be married if you’re not going to have a happy marriage? Yes ma’am.

I’m talking about a happy marriage and you know, before going into a marriage, I hear a lot of guys or even girls say, well, I want to get married because it makes it’s gonna make me happy. No, no. Okay. Can I tell you that, that reason I, this was a conversation that uh, I, I had with mary before we got married because mary is clay’s mom, you know, I was 19 we are going to get married a week after my 20th birthday and she asked why do you want to marry my son and with all sincerity, you know, and I said I want to marry your son because I want to make him happy. And she said that like, right there she was. I was like, okay, you’re 19. But like she gets it and I think if you both come into marriage from the perspective of how do I make my spouse happy, you’re always going to have a successful marriage

one more time. What can you do to serve the spouse and to make their life the best it can be? Because I don’t think you can make the other person happy if they choose to be an unhappy person. Right. But what could you do on a daily basis?

You wouldn’t be marrying them if they’re unhappy person, but yeah,

I don’t. I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe I disagree with you. I think he’s married and unhappy. I think most people do. Oh yeah. Really? I’d say nine and a 10 people marry unhappy people. I’ve got family members who are right in that boat. I think that most people marianne happy. I think most people will feel mind. I don’t understand. The problem is for you, and I mean this is vanessa. I am trying to say you are an independent person. I’m 100 percent convinced that if, if we, if I disappeared, got abducted by aliens, you would go on and be just fine. Um, you know, hopefully you’d miss me, but you’d be just fine. But most people are not that way. I will be 100 percent whole without you. if you moved on. I mean, I would miss you, but I wouldn’t care in terms of like practical would be I feel so allowed in this moment. I need someone to share it with. I’ve never had that feeling. Yeah, I think you’re the Same way and a lot of our waterways so. But what I’m saying is that if you’re doing things every day to pour into their life and lift them up, I don’t see how I. I just, I, I don’t see how it could not be a successful marriage. you’re taking time to let them know that you care and they’re doing the same thing now. Maybe. I guess if people are going around mirroring unhappy people the most. I think most business workshops people are unhappy and most people are unhappy people when an attempt to make other people happy, but I don’t think you can make anybody happy. I think most people have their heads so up so far up there, but they cannot be happy no matter who they’re married. to.

Can’t go into a marriage though, looking for the other person to make you happy. You can’t be going in and saying, what am I going to get from this relationship? It’s no, what am I going to give to this relationship?

When we come back, we’ll talk more about relationships and tending to your relationship gardens specifically about how to propose solutions. When you find yourself in the toilet of relationships. Now, if you’re out there and you say to yourself, my relationships is our good relationships are flying and all I want to do right now is I want to just add onto my commercial building so I can continue growing and expanding and I can continue growing business and I want to improve my marriage and my business and everything is just going great. Things are copacetic. I just want to focus on growing my business today like I grow my relationship everyday. Then check out our good friends at williams contracting. That’s williams contract and check them out at will-con.comand now broadcasting live from the box that rocks. It’s the thrive time business coach radio show.

Get stuck on the magic button now. That was then slap touch. Given it to the street.

Should I get attached to the tracks so I could get up on the buckets in the cash, making the dash, the plaques, bringing them back from the tracks so I could get up on the market, speak the facts. Oh, thrive nation.

Facts are in according to any research you do out there, and look up any study. Half of american marriages end in divorce, half of american marriages end in divorce. Of those people who stay married according to to psychology today, less than 10 percent of people that stay married report being happy. So how have I been able to stay happily married for 17 consecutive years to the same person? You might think to yourself, well, it’s, it’s your body. Your body is what keep coming back day after day, and then when you realize, no, it’s not your body. You might be thinking to yourself what your mind is so sexy. You meet, have any time at all to discuss things. Then you realize it’s not your mind at all. Yeah, be thinking it’s because of your how children. Powerful connections to the monotony. Repeat. If You’re around me pretty mental time, you realize this guy literally only go to hobby lobby. He completely, maybe it’s occlusion. You women finD it a six, maybe even pregnant and her five times, six times, but the fifth five, at which point is it might be thinking to yourself, what am I even thinking of? What am I listening to this show people what it is.

I know. I know I have the answer. What is it that he actually cares? I tell them all the times that I feel so lucky and blessed and it’s nothing that I did. It’s jesus, but he actually cares about having a good marriage, so that way, the same way that he cares about our businesses, he’s going to take the steps to let me know that I and the children that were important to him.

Most of the people that I know, if I heard their business workshops scenarios, I just get divorced. I just be honest with you. Most people I hear, I talked to him and I’m like, well, my wIfe makes me like live in like this stupid world, right? Can’t happen and man cave and I have to go and needs what he’s stupid sweaters to pose for these stupid photos by like a breach it a park. I dress up with the stupid sweater and I just looked stupid with my sweater I would never wear and I gotta I gotta go to these stupid parties and I got to just live a life like a new dude, like, like a unit. Just a nude man running around on these stupid sweaters, posing for these freaking photos and then, and just talk. And if I lived that kind of life I would be divorced.

I didn’t, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry almost anybody. I could read it. Anybody else I’ve ever met a person where I honestly have been around so many men and women over the years and I’ve never thought to myself, gosh, I would marry that lady. I went, no, no. I mean honestly, I, I honestly would be totally just alone living under like a, a piece of land and a man barricade a piece of land. I love it. That’d be. I’d be underground though. I’ll be living underground in a cave, in a bunker environment, just growing companies, but if you are married then you might as well have a great marriage and so I don’t know how to help you other than just bringing up the rude reality that most people are not happy with their marriage and so I can tell you my wife and I would not be married if it wasn’t a happy marriage. I would never just right now I’m just telling you where I’m at in life. I would wouldn’t just stay married as longevity and I want our listeners to know that they do have the power to make changes. You have to power. You can do it. You can pop it up. You have the power, you have the power, so you have to confront heart issues and I have to say I’m not okay with this. You might have to change the way that you react. I don’t know. Everyone’s situation is going to be different, but I encourage everyone to learn what you can do to get it the relationship. Number nine, but as you’re talking about refocusing on the goal, the goal is the family business is the vehicle.

Again, you say the goal is the family, the business is the vehicle. What are you talking about? Yeah, you know, you’re. This is a business workshops show, so people listen who have businesses and um, business is fantastic. I think that it’s something that actually draws clay and I closer together because draws us together. Yes, we work on the business together. We go over the goals for our lives and how they fit into the business and how the business can help us reach those goals, but we never lose sight that the business in itself is not the goal. What our family is the goal. If That ever becomes, comes in between our family or gets set at a point where it’s more important to our family. It’s, it’s not gonna work, it’s not gonna end well for the family, so we just have to keep that straight in. Then as long as you guys have your goals in line and you understand how the business helps you get there, I think you’ll, you’ll notice that you and your spouse, I’m really rally behind that business and, and in the way that it is a blessing to your family.

Now, point number 10, work together to come to resolution. What are you talking about when you say work together to come to resolution?

So after you’ve addressed this issue, whatever it is, and um, and you’re honest with it so that you can be real with your spouse. You’ve got a, you’ve got to resolve it. Now that you know what the issue is, you just don’t leave it out there. Um, so it’s going to take both of you to fully comprehend what the issue is and how you, you, you solve it, but you must walk away from this, this meeting, um, with a resolution in hand or it’s just going to keep resurfacing. Robert, do you have any questions? Your man, it’s soon to be married. Do you have any questions for the marriage wizard? My wife of 17 years because we are happily married and very few people are and so you have the mic, my friend. I do have one question in, in Clay. You may want to get involved with it. There’s certain, you know, you just said a moment ago that a happy marriage can’t help but exists if two people are serving each other. That makes sense to me. you know, that makes sense, but how do you get to that point where you’re saying, hey, I’m willing to serve you in this way but I’m not willing to wear the christmas sweater. You know what I mean?

But I won’t do that. Oh no, I won’t do that. I would do because I’m willing to give up. You know what? I may want to make her happy, but there are certain parts of me. I’m like, eh, no, no. You’ve got to understand who this.

Is it a person that you married? Do you understand? So I know. I know the clay clark that I married, I remember him coming up in the middle of chapel and putting the dollar bills with the bible verses on the stage in front of Richard Roberts because he disagreed. I remember him walking out of campus. I remember him getting kicked out of school. I chose that man to marry so I can’t be upset that he wants to go confront someone over something that happened or in a way that he feels wrong to because I chose that will be changing him as a person if I said that’s the key. Okay, so you need to to change them. Don’t change them as a person. You could say, hey, I would really like it if you did this and they can choose if they want to do it, but it’s not going to affect your business workshops relationship. If you’re there and you’re looking for auto mechanic that wants to change to help you in, they’ll help you fix your automobile but not change your vehicle overall. Just just help you fix your vehicle. I’ll be repairing your vehicle, restore your relationship with your vehicle to what it once was, but not change your vehicle entirely. Go out there and visit tulsa’s. Number one, ford automotive specialists. That’s rc auto specialists, rc auto specials. Tulsa’s number one, ford expert repairs service, rc specials.com. It’s rc auto specialists.com

It is the show where we drop the knowledge bombs for you. Important business workshops group to make sure you could produce the greener. We’d like all over again. Super twitchy topic. Japan’s cookie just bought. Okay. This will be black and white. Set your wallet. It used to be. This is broadcast of with the same with the in san quintin. Can I get to that? Before the room was, he is in his hip hop. Beat the scene that was teaching business skIlls like we both grew up poor. No more. The goal is to help you sleep. All right. Thrive nation. Welcome back to the thrive time show

on your radio where we’re talking about tending to relationship gardens and because I am uniquely unqualified to talk about this topic, I wanted to bring my incredible wife on the show of 17 years so she could share with you about how she has taught me how to tend to our relationship gardens. We’ve been married 17 years and I can honestly say this past year was our best year ever and every year I believe it does get a little bit better, but vanessa pro listeners out there who aren’t married to me, what, which includes pretty much everybody. Um, could you explain to liSteners out there how being married to me is different than being married to the average human? Because I, you, you’ve had friends of yours who are married, they have friends, you know, friends of yours, you know, from colleagues they were married. But I think being married to me is probably its own series of obstacles. I’ve never been married to anyone else, but how is it different from what you’re hearing other people describe their relationship? Maybe we can start with the holiday photo and the perpetual proverbial christmas sweater that most men were, most men turn over there, man card and they were an oddly matching christmas sweater in the vote.

Being married to you. I, you’re a little bit of an extreme. Um, and, but you’ve always been that way. So like I said, I know what I signed up for, so I’m okay with that. And I actually like, I liked the ecentric newness of it, but. So I think our, I’ve never expected, you know, that we did have one photo that you did that my mom got you in a sweater that wasn’t my doing. Freaking hated that. That was like many, many, many years ago

did I posed as though we were absolutely devoted a devote of committed homosexuals in the photo. And we looked as though, and I had it where he was embracing me and I was embracing him. That photo was truly incredible. Yeah. It was a great way for us to meet people who looked at the photo would think that we’re definitely in a committed homeless. We’ve had a couple of different family photos out here at our land and what I love about it is I feel like it’s authentically us. Isi clay is in his jersey, jersey, his, his thrive time, where his hoodie that he loves and then our kids are still in cute but coordinating close and we have our animals and it’s on our land so it’s authentically us. But I don’t think that you, you don’t ever listen. If clay was trying to change me, who I fundamentally am as a person, um, it wouldn’t work.

There definitely that, that that’s not who he married. So embrace who you married. So you talk about, you’re talking about today, tending to your relationship garden. we’ve talked about working together to come to a resolution, but now we’re talking about the idea that you shouldn’t embrace fundamentally that your relationship is a garden that you want to attend to it daily. You know, john lennon, the uh, uh, the, the, the guy who was the, the prominent member of the beatles. He and paul mccartney wrote most of the songs. John lennon once wrote, we’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it. Can you explain why your philosophy towards relationship gardening is very similar to john lennon’s I have a question for you.

Okay. Yep. Do you take care of business every day? Yeah, absolutely. In what ways do you reach out to clients and you have set meetings on your schedule, so you have a group interview every week to make sure to have toxic employees. You’ve got to have your online advertising going. You have a set weekly training with your teammates. You have a set time to look at the numbers. There’s just set and you do this daily. Well, there’s weekly appointments. You have to make sure each aspect of the business is happening. Yes. Daily. Do you put out fires? Oh yeah. A daily. Do you deal with their employees? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh. You make sure that they’re not freaking out about the call script, making sure they’re following the systems, making sure people are showing up on time, that kind of thing. What would happen if you stopped doing those actions? Daily? Complete chaos. I mean this is how the work with is when you get to work, you hear this

here, look and you’d find out, so how can we expect a relationship? The business is going to be any need, any last, you know? Then your business, your relationship is everything that your whole life, your families lives and your business workshops is built on so it’s got to be solid in the same way that you tend to your business or you tend to a garden or you tend to your body. It’s going to take time and effort, but once you take the time and effort and if you pull the weeds, it’s actually not a huge amount of time and effort. Right? Once if we’ve got the whole garden cleaned up, it might take a while in the beginning to clean it all out if you want to get overgrown.

bobby, do you have a question here? For my incredible wife of 17 years about relationships and so then he further ado, matt has a question for vanessa. You know, so often we hear guys say to each other, you know, I, I go to work, I provide, that should be enough.

I just bought bell. That myth. Yeah, I, yeah, I just asked, um, can, uh, could I not just go, do I feel like I love my husband very much but not here with all due respect. I believe me, I could provide for myself. So I don’t see that as a benefit at all and I feel like if that’s the only thing you bring to the table, that’s pretty weak because believe me, that girl at some point is going to realize like I can provide for myself or even if I don’t, I get half anyways. So if that’s all you bring to the table, like I’m sorry guys, men and women, the only thing that you have that you can truly give your spouse as your page real quick. I have a, uh, an audio. I have a group of men who called in while vanessa was talking there and we were able to record what they were saying. Oh wow. Okay. In response to the business workshops idea that if all you can provide, all you can provide is financial success, then it’s not good enough. This is what a large group of men had to say and it’s amazing how each man called in with a very similar take. So I’ll, we’ll go ahead and hit, hit, hit. He will go ahead and play the recorded calls.

Oh, that’s all we got for a lot of guys. It goes both ways for either spouse. It goes both ways. Yeah. I have a wife is saying, listen, you know, I, I do all your cooking and cleaning and, and I, and I, um, take care of the kids and I, you know, or I’m the main provider. Those are all wonderful things. And if a guy is saying, hey, I earned all the money for the family, or like I said, those are all wonderful things. But you could hire a nanny, you can get someone to make your food. You can hire someone to clean your house, you can go get a job on your own, so none of those are things that are, I would say, are special enough to say you really bring something to me that no one else can bring, but you do bring someone to three things you can give your spouse that no one else can. Our love, kindness and respect and yeah, the people can get that, but you should have a special knowing of them and if you don’t bring the love, the kindness and respect over time, they’re not going to choose to be with you. I will, and if you’re out there and going, hey, I need more than just love, kindness and respect I how to go grow a freaking brisbin business, then go to thrive time show.com and book your tickets for our next in person. Thrive time show workshop. Stay tuned.

All right, thrive nation. Welcome back to the thrive time show on your business workshops radio and podcast download. For all of you that have helped us to read, to reach the top 10 on the itunes podcast charts in the category of business, thank you very much for all those who you are. We’re just finding our podcasts for the first time. Please understand that if you email us [email protected], we will respond to your questions. Again, if you email us [email protected], we will answer your questions and we’re here to help you and a lot of people have reached out to us and have said, I am having a problem with my business. And we said, okay, here’s we can help you. Step one, step two, boom, boom, boom. Then a lot of people reached out to us and said, hey, I’m having a hard time with my relationship. Like I have a lot of money. I have a lot of time freedom, financial freedom, but my relationship, my relationships are not going well. The only spouse than I have in my house, we ever relationship that’s going south.

Things are not going well. In fact, things are going to hell and I want to know is it possible to have a happy wife and a happy life? Is it possible to have a healthy relationship that’s beyond just surviving? Is it possible for me to have success in the f six areas of my life? Is it possible to have success in areas of my faith and my finances, my fitness, my friendship, and my fun, and so now I invited my incredible wife of 17 years onto the show. We’ve had her on on several shows here recently and we’ll be. We’ll be having my wife on at least one show a week in the near future here. And so vanessa, the next tip that you’re providing for the thrive nation as it relates to having a happy life and a happy marriage, did you want to cultivate an atmosphere of happiness, of peace? You want to cultivate a home of peace, create a joyous atmosphere. Can you explain? You’re talking about,

yeah, so you want your children and your spouse to look forward to coming to your house, your home, to their home. You don’t. You will, if your husband has to work long hours, you don’t want any to gIve him any excuse to want to stay there any longer than he has to, but you want him to look forward to coming home to coming through that door and being embraced by you with love and excitement and for your time together. That’s it. It’s as simple as that. You create the atmosphere,

but I think a lot of people feel like the atmosphere of their home is, is currently toxic and, and matt, I want you to ask any questions you have about this because I’m sure if somebody’s listening right now is in a home environment where they have a toxic relationship where they don’t want to come home because relationship is currently not good men. Have you ever seen a relationship like that where you’ve seen from the outside, like, man, this is a toxic relationship that’s going on right here. Oh, I’ve lived that relationship. You know, my parents growing up, they had that relationship and nobody wanted to be there. The kids didn’t want to be there. We all find excuses to go elSewhere. So what are, what are the hallmarks, like what are the. The huge things that you can say, oh hey this, this house is actually peaceful. Like how do you know that you’ve reached that?

Well, you, you, you would know because you would feel it. If there’s tension there, everyone’s going to feel it, but I think that what you need to do, if you’re coming from an area where there’s a lot of weeds that need to be pulled, it’s not going to happen overnight. You and your spouse need to sit down. The spouse who’s wanting to make the change is it’s going to start with one. Not two of you are going to be ready for change from the mount, but the one where you say, I want something more. You need to go to your spouse and apologize for the things that you have done and then apologize that you’ve let things get to this point and say, you know what? Starting tomorrow, I’m going to do everything in my power to change. Doesn’t mean that

things are going to be perfect. Unify the things in your own life, the weeds that you are cultivating in your garden, identify the problems that you’re causing in the relationship and take ownership and just take ownership of those things. Don’t point out their failings, full focus on what you can do to improve the relationship and then they’re going to want to reciprocate now for a second time. It might not happen overnight for sure. Yeah, but you want to focus on what you can control. Now, step 13, you want to make an effort to let your spouse know that you are in fact the you want to let your spouse know that they are in fact the number one priority you want. You want to communicate verbally, nonverbally through your actions that your spouse is the priority. I’m vanessa. How do you do that? You know

there’s a lot of different priorities that we have in life, but you went on to know that before the children, before work, before any of these things, they come first. They’re going to see that I’m in the way that you treat them. You’re going to see that in the time that you spend and when they have an issue in the way that you, that you, that you address it, so it will be very clear to them and then they’ll be, they’ll actually be encourage you to spend time doing other outside activities and pursuits when they see that you are, that they are the number one problem.

How do you know that? I believe that you are my number one business workshops priority. How do you know that? Through my words or my actions? How do you know david? We’ve been married 17 years. How do you know that you are in fact, my number one priority?

Well, in a simple way, a daily, you let me know that you care. You reach out to me, you send me sweet texts and phone calls. Um, we work together a lot. So we will call me about work during the day, but you make point to call me just to say, hey, I’m just calling to say I love you and this is why I’m excited about this for you or I appreciate this. That has nothing to do with work.

But I just called to say I love you, but more than that, just cold calls are wonderful, but if you actually listen and then you will make changes to address and say, you know what, I see that this is important to you. I want to do make these changes. So you listened to concerns I have and make changes accordingly. And that means so much because those are not easy things to do. Step 14, 15 and 16. Step 14 is statistically, half of marriages end in divorce. By default, you have to be proactive about your marriage. Step 15, in honor of tim teebo, the marriages that survive are the ones that are prioritized. Vanessa, what do you mean by that?

You know, and we talk about, um, creating a atmosphere, a peace and joy. You got it. These are things that have to be created. They don’t exist just like your business has to be created. Just like if you’re trying to, um, get in shape, you’ve got to cultivate these habits and you’ve got to think on them all the time. It’s got to be top of mind priority. So if you make your marriage I priority it might not happen overnight if you’re starting from a place with a lot of weeds, but over time, if you are consistent and diligent with your pursuit of that relationship and prioritizing it, your spouse will respond.

Now, the next, the next, the final capstone thought I want to share on today’s program is don’t just survive your marriage, thrive in your marriage. Vanessa, what are you talking about?

Remember why you got married. You didn’t get married just to dredge it out and save it so you got married because you love this person. So go back to that. Address the issues that need to be addressed and say he starting today on my part. I’m going to do everything I can to make this a wonderful marriage and decide to do it, decide to do it, and start taking the action steps and over time, if you are diligent and you don’t give up, your spouse will see that this is real and they will respond.

We have time for one more hot and fresh question that you mIght have for the marriage wizard. Ms dot vanessa clark. Here we go. All right. This last one’s kind of heavy. Obviously nobody wants this outcome, but where do you draw the line and you say, all right, this has gone on long enough. You’re not changing. I think we need to go our separate ways. Addiction, abuse, adultery, boom, dr lorris three a’s, addiction, abuse, adultery, dealing with those things. It’s like you were prepared for that question. I have read all I, I just, I, I believe this stuff and you can’t just stick it out just to stick it out and be a Martyr. I think that yes, you should try to make your marriage the very best you can, but if you’re living in abuse, if you’re dealing with addiction or adultery, go, go live your best life, not there. Now those can all take different forms to. Oh yeah, I mean there’s, there’s, um, pornography addiction, there’s drug addiction, there is alcoholism, there is a sex addiction. Um, there is all different types of scenarios, potatoes, potatoes, physical abuse, emotional abuse, but you’ve got to really take a step back and look at what you’re dealing with and address. These are huge issues. You might need a family marriage therapist to go to some of these things, but you should not be living in that environment for the others. There’s the only difference between a therapist and the rapist

is a space is crying. Again, if you look at thrive nation, let me just, let me just break it down here you the the word therapist. That is t h e r a p I s t. Now if you’re looking for the word the rapist, which would mean you’re a sick freak. That’d be space rapist, so if you’re looking for therapy, be careful who you’re getting your therapy from because you might be getting therapists therapy from the rapist because he might’ve just typed in the wrong thing and they came up top in google, but it all sincerity, make sure you’re not getting feedback on how to had a grayed out of how to have a great marriage from an idiot. I mean to make sure you’re not feeding your mind with business workshops advice from people that have never had a successful marriage, and to learn more about how to grow successful company. Go to thrive time show.com. Three, two, one.

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