Festivus | Festivus Flashbacks Featuring Clark Family Festivus Highlights: Festivus 2010, Festivus 2012, Festivus 2013 & Festivus 2024 + What Is Festivus? Behold the Most Shallow & Fun Reason Humanity Has Ever Gathered

Audio Transcription

Transcribed with Cockatoo

Happy Festivus Festivus when George was growing up his father.

It’s nothing. It’s a stupid holiday.

My father invented it doesn’t exist Should we get drinks ready for them? Yeah I think if they drink water they’re out disqualified drink water between the DQ Here’s the deal.

We’re judging for the least amount of tears.

Yeah, you gotta take it off. How can we see?

Okay, then we won’t.

You all can’t see anything.

We all vote.

We should all vote.

Here’s some water for you if it gets rough.

Thank you.

Here’s some water when it gets rough.

Water makes it worse, I know what you’re getting at.

Do you have any more cups?

Cups?

Got lots, got lots.

I don’t want water.

No water?

Okay.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Everybody count with me, here we go.

Does he eat it all?

Yep.

Everything on the plate they gotta eat.

That’s the first one right there.

They say the level one is the easiest.

Level one is the easiest. We’re judging the least amount of tears here.

Watch their faces.

Jason’s just emotional.

Don’t worry about him.

I haven’t celebrated Festivus in years.

What is your interest?

Just tell me everything. Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man.

As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

What happened to the doll? It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born.

A Festivus for the rest of us.

That must have been some kind of disaster.

And at the festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

And is there a tree? No, instead there’s a pole. Requires no decoration.

I find tinsel distracting.

Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.

Let’s do it, then.

All right. Festivus is back!

I’ll get the pole out of the crawlspace.

Well, happy Festivus.

What is that?

Is that the pole? George, Festivus is your heritage.

It’s part of who you are.

That’s why I ate it.

It’s a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank’s house.

Everyone’s invited. George, you’re forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes. best of his feats of strength.

We had some good times.

Have you recovered?

If you had to rate the band, give it a C or an F. Christy, if you had to rate the band, would you give them a C or an F?

This band?

Yeah.

He said C or an F. There ain’t no B in there?

A C. You want to give them a B?

I’m going to give them a C. I’d smell on Monday morning, because the last guy forgot to flush on Friday. We 100 % agree on this.

40 -something mommies posting sexual pics of themselves after a workout.

You know the…

Come on up here.

We want to hear the winner.

Here we go.

Here comes Kim and Vanessa.

So it’s Billy.

Billy!

You gave me a fake Christmas gift. Well, sir, I -I gave out the fake card because, um, I don’t really celebrate Christmas.

I, um, I celebrate Festivus.

Feminus. Festivus, sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs.

They drove my family out of Bayside, sir!

Are you making all this up, too?

Oh, no, sir.

Festivus is all too real, and I could prove it if I have to.

Yeah, you probably should.

Happy Festivus!

George, this is a surprise.

Who’s the suit?

Oh, Dad, this is my boss, Mr. Kruger.

Have you seen the pole, Kruger?

Yeah, he doesn’t need to see the pole.

He’s going to see it.

Happy Festivus! Oh, my.

Oh, my.

You didn’t have time to go home.

What are you doing here?

Bracing my roots.

It’s made from aluminum.

Very high strength -to -weight ratio.

I find your belief system fascinating.

Hi, everyone!

Hello, Miss Bennis.

What are you doing here? Damnedest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and we got this bagel place. I told them I was just about to see you.

It’s a Festivus Miracle!

Let’s begin.

Welcome newcomers.

Mission of Festivus begins. with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people. Now, you’re gonna hear about it.

You, Kroger, my son tells me your company stinks.

Oh, God.

Why? He’ll get yours in a minute. Kroger, you couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a bake. I lost my train of thought.

And now, as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.

Not the feats of strength.

This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer. Oh, gee, Frank, I’m sorry.

I gotta go.

I have to work a double shift at H &H.

I thought you were on strike. Yeah, well, I caved.

I mean, I really had to use their bathroom.

Frank, no offense, but this holiday’s a little… out there.

Kramer, you can’t go!

How about George? Good thinking, Cougar. Until you pin me, George.

Festivus is not over.

Oh, please, somebody stop this.

Let’s rumble! That is the site of Festivus 2014. They’re in the perfect tower, for the perfect party, with the perfect band, with the perfect people, the perfect state, the perfect country, on the perfect planet, in the perfect universe, at the perfect appointed time.

Festivus, for the best of us.

Oh, yes.

Dan -ology.

I’m too late.

So dirty. S O O Z E

What you

Transcribed with Cockatoo